Greetings all you
lackeys minions underlings pitiful people running around with your pitiful little lives wonderful people, the Dark Lord Hite here. With just shy of two months to get your submissions in to the Mad Scientist Anthology I realized that some of you might be a little hesitant to submit your good advice to those up and coming. And you have good reason not to. I mean they are your rivals, or future rivals. Then again with the way some of you are going, they might very soon be your betters, but why bring that up now.
Right now I want to give you some good reasons why you might want to share your advice with the up and coming super villian, evil doctor, or mad scientist. In fact, I want to give you five good reasons to do so.
1. Succession. No one likes to think about it but eventually it will be time to hand the vast amounts of power that you have accumulated over a (or maybe several) lifetime(s) down to a worthy successor. Your cloning / cryogenics / life extending drugs are working out great, but at some point you will be ready to give it all up. There are only so many worlds you can conquer so many peoples you can oppress (if you are into that) so many baths you can take, only so many cups of tea you can drink. And let’s face it, as evil as insulting everyone in the universe in alphabetical order is, it is has been done!
But, you say, I had already planned to hand my power over to Joe the minion. As much as you really like Joe the minion is he really ruler of the known universe material. I mean sure he has been with you from day one, sure you gave his daughter away at the wedding, you gave him everything he has. He might even be expecting you to hand power over to him. He may even be like a son to you. But there is a problem with sons, they don’t always live up to their fathers expectations. Take a moment now, look at Joe. Look deep into his eyes. Is he really the one you want to hand the universe over to? Now think about it. Think about the greatest emperors of Rome. Sure their empire is tiny (or huge as the case may be) compared to yours but, did they hand power over to their sons? No, they looked around and found the best possible successor, trained them, brought them up right, made sure they had every tool they needed, (some tips and tricks from above hint, hint, hint.) And let me tell you when they did hand power over to their sons it was never pretty, think Nero, Commodus,
Little Boots Caligula. (giggle snort, his name means little boots. Like the ones your mother knitted. I will remember that forever. I must remember to write an article about how you have to be careful about nicknames.)
2. Philanthropy. Let’s face it no one really likes a dark overlord of the universe. They may grovel at your feet, beg for your forgiveness, you might even get a smile or two. But when your back is turned, or as soon as you are out of sight or earshot it is totally different story. But if you give to those in need, if you build roads for them, if you are seen occasionally dishing out bowls of soup at the kitchen (even if it was your stupid brother wearing a mask) people will have a harder time cursing your name. Not impossible mind you, but it will be harder for them to swear revenge on the guy who just put a roof over their head or gave them the plans for the space laser they have always wanted. Sometimes you can get a few flies caught in the honey that you set out to use in your experiments. I mean, well never mind.
3. Your Good Name. You only have one reputation, you need to protect it. As a famous pirate once said, “Once word gets out that you are going soft, it is just work, work, work all the time.” Unfortunately the rumor mill can be your worst enemy, and by mere association with those that hold a similar title as you, it can sully your reputation. It is like getting in a fight and getting a black eye. You might have won the fight, you might have even won decisively, though I kind of doubt that is the case, but you still walk away with a black eye.
The same can be said if those lesser villains get their lunches handed to them on steel trays now.
That was a Mad scientist, they will say. Wasn’t our overlord of the universe a mad scientist at one time? How come he was never put in jail? How come he is free to roam the world? Maybe he should be behind bars, they will say. Is that what you really want? No of course not.
So what do you do. You give them some information. When you see them getting ready to trip and fall on their face, help them out a little. I am not saying give them all your secrets, but maybe enough to keep them out of jail and looking bad in the eye of the public. Remind them to tie their shoes before they leave the house so to speak.
It can do a world of good for your good name. Don’t let those bumbling idiots get caught by a hero, or for heaven sakes worse the regular police. No get them up past that point. Let them be a menace to society, and then CRUSH THEM YOURSELF! You would be surprise the good will that will get you. See #2.
4. Mentoring. If you take the time to mentor other villains you would be surprised what they will do for you. A good mentor gives tools (for example articles to a book like A Method To The Madness: A Guide to The Super Evil) to help those under themselves.
If you are someone’s mentor you would be surprised what they might be willing to do for you. Much more than running and getting you coffee, though that is always nice, but they will defend you, they will support you. They might even take a bullet for you. Sure your super armor most likely would have stopped it but really, why take that chance. Besides Mentor are revered in the community, and if you don’t want to be hounded by the heros and the police every day you need to be thought highly of, at least until you are powerful enough that it no longer matters. See #2 and #3.
Of course there is always the chance that the that this person you are mentoring will one day be a good successor. See #1. And if you don’t want your sucessor to have to run around Rome scratching your name off monuments, you need to think of these things.
5. Good Coffee. Really is there any better reason to anything than a good cup of coffee? I am not saying that by writing an article that someone will bring you a good cup of coffee, but you never know. Sometimes good advice can bring some surprise rewards. You can even reward yourself for all of the above reasons with a good cup of coffee after you are done.
I sit here now finishing this looking over at my hot steaming mug and know it will be waiting for me. Besides if you are nice to your underlings, those up and coming maybe they will invite you over to their house and give you a good cup of coffee, and you can learn where they keep their fresh roasted beans and break in later that night and steal them. You are evil after all.
Or better yet after several up and coming villains have invited you over and served you their best, you will know who makes the best coffee, so that when you do take over, you know who to spare and put in your kitchen making your coffee.
So there you have five good reasons to write an article for The Mad Scientist Anthology. Now, what are you waiting for?